My Worst Halloween Ever

October, 1970. I was in fourth grade. Life was good. Even though I had just turned nine, I wasn't too old to appreciate the cool new kid's show that had just started getting popular: Sesame Street. My friends and I loved it, especially the Muppets - Ernie & Bert, Oscar, Cookie Monster - all awesome. All except Big Bird. Big Bird was stupid.

When Halloween neared, my mom suggested I dress up as Oscar the Grouch. Genius! Mom was super creative, and I always had excellent costumes - most of which we made together. First, mom found an old furry coat and transformed it into Oscar's fur. She then made me some fuzzy Oscar eyebrows that were perfect. We then went to the hardware store and bought a cheap corrugated aluminum trash can. Dad and I cut out the bottom, mounted handles inside, and attached the lid with a hinge.  I could climb inside the trash can, walk around, crouch down, and pop up and surprise people. I couldn't wait to try it on someone's porch and yell "trick-or-treat. It was the best costume in the history of costumes.

Halloween was on a Saturday that year, but luckily schools had not obliterated the fun of childhood and we had a Halloween costume party on the Friday before. I was excited.  When the time came to change into our costumes, I hurried to get in my outfit quickly so I could surprise people.

I hunkered down in my trash can, with the lid on, and waited until I could hear a lot of voices. This was awesome.

Then I popped up.

"What are you supposed to be?"

"Oscar the Grouch. Duh."

"You don't look like Oscar. Duh."

"Hey look at this - he thinks he's Oscar"

...and It got worse from there.  Later that day I dragged my trash can home in abject humiliation. So far I had managed to avoid crying - but it was close. Mom was waiting for me, anxious to see how things went.

"How was your party?"

-silence-

"How did your costume go over?"

-that is when I finally burst into tears - tears of humiliation, and anger-

"It was the worst costume ever!"

"But I thought you loved it! What happened?"

"Mom - Oscar is GREEN!"

"What do you mean he's green?"

"I mean his fur - he's not GRAY, he's GREEN!"

"Well how in the world was I supposed to know that?"

"If we had a color TV like everyone else, you would have known."

Mom was speechless. We both felt terrible.

The next night I went trick-or-treating in full costume, but as soon as I got around the corner, I took it off, ditched the garbage can behind a fence, and put a sheet over my head and made the rounds as a ghost.

Yup. True story. Worst Halloween ever.

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Next Sunday, I will use this story to illustrate some profound gospel truths. But you're gonna have to wait.

Right now I need to go eat the good candy before tomorrow night.

Just. Can't. Do. It.

I've tried. I have really tried. I have marshaled all my self-righteous bluster and vast knowledge, and I still can't do it. I'm pretty orthodox, as orthodoxy goes. It seems I should be able to - it kind of makes sense. My brain tells me I should be able to... but I just can't bring myself to do it. Believe me, I've tried, but I can't.

I can't hate Halloween. I'm sorry to disappoint some of you.

Yes, I know that:
It is pagan in its origins. (Much like Christmas and Easter)
People dress up as bloody, ghoulish, soulless, evil creatures.
Complete strangers are bussed into my neighborhood and show up at my door expecting candy.
In the old days there was a lot of "mischief" surrounding the "trick"  part of treating.
Candy is bad for you. And expensive.
Nowadays walking through a costume shop is semi-pornographic.
Insides of pumpkins are slimy gross.
Dorky, uncostumed teenagers ride around on skateboards with bulging pillowcases full of candy.
Some kids get crazy from the sugar.  (nevermind.)

I know all these things - but I like Halloween anyway.  Maybe it's because we contain it. We don't go scary or bloody. We go cute and creative. We refuse to see R-rated movies - and avoid the satanic/gory ones even if they are PG-13 or on TV.  We don't go to haunted houses. We don't watch Glee. (Unrelated - but I wanted to slip it in.)

Halloween is fun.

Not only that, Halloween is the single most charitable day of the year. Name one other day of the year that complete strangers can knock on other stranger's doors and walk away with something they value, leaving the 'givers' expecting absolutely nothing in return. Not even blessings. There is precious little we do that is so non discriminating.

Remember that 2nd great commandment: Love thy neighbor? I don't think what the Savior meant by that is that on the one night of the year the neighborhood is interacting with each other, we should turn of our lights, lock the doors, and go somewhere else to avoid those very neighbors. In my book, avoiding trick-or-treaters is missing the point.

I like:
Seeing the FOMLs get excited to play dress-up.
Having photo archives of their costumes as they grow.
Milky Ways. A lot.
Hanging out in the streets and chating with my neighbors.
Carving pumpkins with my kids - especially now that they are old enough to 'gut' them by themselves.
Reese's cups.
Holding hands with the little ones and watching from the sidewalk as they courageously make their first door approaches. (Mission prep?)
Ward parties, even if we call them something less pagan.
Watching the maniacal kids run around in their costumes at the ward parties
Smarties.
Seeing the cool adults dress up and not being spoil sports.
Green apple Jolly Ranchers.
Watching my kids sort their candy on the floor and learn basic trading etiquette.
Refusing to give candy to a kid unless he actually utters the magic words 'Trick-or-Treat'. (Tiny tots excluded)
Asking the slackers "What are you supposed to be?"
Big Hunks, though increasingly rare.
Laughing at any woman wearing anything remotely "Twilight".
Quoting Titus 1:15 to people who are "Anti-Halloweenites".


So, if you are looking for a spiritual, or doctrinal treatise on why we shouldn't participate in Halloween, you've come to the wrong place. Sorry.

No treatise. Only treats.

(Did I mention that I like Milky Ways?)

I'm Sorry to Have to Be the One to Tell you...

I recently attended our ward Halloween Party. (Oops - sorry to offend with a pagan word) Our "Trunk-or-Treat", or our "Fall Festival" (you know - Halloween party) While I was there I saw the sweet little children who just recently stood with shining halos and sang like little angels in our sacrament meeting Primary program. They had undergone a jarring transformation. Gone were the halos and glowing countenances, replaced with something more like costumed versions of this:

Milling around the party were mortified mothers, many uttering similar versions of the same thing:

"We are never going to bed tonight."

"I wonder how long it will take for my kid to come down."

"This is why I hate Halloween."

"C'mere and give me that dark chocolate"

All of these moms were lovely intelligent, caring mothers - all concerned about the same thing. The nefarious SUGAR HIGH. Yes, that common condition where refined sugar courses through our children's veins and turns the most delightful of cherubs into maniacs. Maniacal princesses. Maniacal hobos. Maniacal clowns.

Soon these poor mothers would have to wrestle these rocket-fuel-powered children into their cars, take them home, wash off the face paint and attempt to get them to bed. In the meantime, the child will attempt to continue his candy bender like a Survivor contestant after a reward challenge.

Brace yourselves. Many of you may not want to hear this next part. In fact, some of you will cover your ears and shake your heads and say "No, no no! Lies all lies. MMM we trusted you!". I am sorry but here goes anyway:

There is no such thing as a "Sugar High".

There it is. That child in your kitchen that is spinning like a top because he ate some sugar? It ain't the sugar. Yeah, bummer.

Scientist have been trying to establish a link between hyperactive behavior and sugar consumption for years - and they just can't do it. There isn't one. The "Sugar High" is merely a myth. An urban legend. A suburban legend too.  So you know that I am not making this up to hurt you, I have listed a whole bunch of links to articles about this. I tried to find some of the more respected sources, rather than "Stan & LaVerne's Herbal Solutions for Medicinal Purposes Only" website.

I know, some of you are struggling with this new information, but ask yourself "Has MMM ever led me astray?" Wait - don't ask yourself that. Ask yourself "How can scientists be so stupid?". If it makes you feel better.

So, I guess now I have to explain the ramifications. Why then are these crazed children crazed after eating sugar? There are a few reasons which I will summarize:

1) Your kid is really like that all the time, and you only notice at large, embarrassing, public gatherings.

2) They call it a "Parental Placebo Effect". Parents expect their kids to get hyper, so they ascribe any behavioral change to the sugar.

3) Sugar often comes with caffeine. Caffeine is the demon.

4) Sugar and kids hang around at exiting things - holidays, birthday parties, etc. The fun event kicks up the adrenaline.

5) Parents unintentionally teach their kids that sugar consumption is an excuse to go nuts. (Stop eating that candy - I don't want you getting all hyper!)

6) My child is a scientific anomaly. Yes, all the scientists are wrong, because they never studied my child - and by golly, I know my own child a whole lot better than they do.

If you really want to dig in, there is lots of info on this. But this myth is definitely "busted". Does it change the fact that there are a zillion hyper kids running around this time of year? No. They are still going to be wound up and torturing each other, whatever the underlying cause. But now at least we know it ain't the sugar.

So, armed with this new information, let's say goodbye to that old scapegoat and have a Happy Halloween! Autumn Celebration, Fall Festival, Harvest Days, Oktoberfest? I guess we'll stick with plain old October 31st.

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=52516
http://articles.cnn.com/1999-11-22/health/9911_22_diet.sugar.myth.kids.wmd_1_sugar-and-hyperactivity-hyperactive-children-researchers?_s=PM:HEALTH
http://news.consumerreports.org/health/2009/01/medical-myths.html
http://www.dukehealth.org/health_library/news/5648
http://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=holiday-sugar-high-08-12-22
http://www.ccmr.cornell.edu/education/ask/index.html?quid=241
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperactivity#Sugar_consumption
http://www.fao.org/docrep/W8079E/w8079e0o.htm

Chili Can be Served With Cheese

It is almost Halloween, which means it is about time to break out the pot and make some chili. My EC makes the best chili ever. Ever.  Not trying to hurt any feelings, and some of you might be getting a little defensive, but your chili is not as good as my wife's. Sorry. I'm sure yours is really, really, yummy, but you will just have to deal with it.

Some people don't like to make chili. If you are one of those people, I recommend Wendy's. Not only is their chili delicious, the personnel are well trained in serving the chili to you.

To help you appreciate the rigorous training, I have included a clip of the Wendy's Chili and dessert training. Turn it up! But please refrain from dancing unless you have the appropriate uniform.

Enjoy. And you're welcome.

The Best Kind of Friend

Note:  This post was first published yesterday as a guest post on a most wonderful blog "We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ". The entire month of October has been a Book of Mormon Forum.  (See button to the right) I highly recommend spending some time clicking through the blog hops and articles. Here's the post:

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Yes, I am probably the only person who would ever reference "The Emperor's New Groove" when discussing sacred texts. (If you haven't seen the movie, you are missing out - but I digress...)

Here goes...

As the Emperor Kuzco is introducing his advisor Yzma, he momentarily focuses on a piece of something that is wedged between her teeth. (I'm sure glad that has never happened to me.) It got me wondering about proper etiquette in this situation.

So I asked my lovely EC (eternal companion) a simple question that I pose to all of you:

If you are out to lunch with your friends, and something unsightly becomes stuck in your teeth, would you want one of your friends to:

     a)  Discreetly tell you ASAP.

     b)  Wait until you get in the parking lot and then tell you.

     c)  Not tell you at all, and let you discover it for yourself, later.

My wife immediately said "A". She told me that it would be embarrassing, but that a true friend would not make her wait to find out - and that she might even be a bit disappointed in a friend that left her hanging. Coming home from lunch and finding the offending piece of lettuce is not a good feeling.  (For guys it's a little easier - they would just point, laugh and say "Dude, that's disgusting" - leaving the offender wondering what they are talking about.)

Basically, the point I am trying to make, is that a true friend - the best kind of friend - is not willing to spare you a little discomfort in order to help you. We all need those kind of friends.

However, we live in a world where everyone is highly focused on telling each other that they are just fine. You are special just the way you are! *kiss kiss*. People love to excuse themselves by saying "If you love me, you'll accept me the way I am." That is so much nonsense! We excel at self-justification, and crave to be around people who indulge us. "Enabling" has become a common word in the vocabulary of modern relationships.

In the recent General Conference, the Apostle D. Todd Christofferson said:

"If we do not invite others to change, or if we do not demand repentance of ourselves, we fail in a fundamental duty we owe to one another and ourselves. A permissive parent, an indulgent friend, a fearful church leader are in reality more concerned about themselves than the welfare and happiness of those they could help." (Full address here)

Yikes! An Apostle telling us to step out of our comfort zones and to be true friends? Yup. But at the same time, we know that a true friend is there when we need advice, when we are struggling, and when we need comfort. No one wants a friend whose sole mission in life is to point out our flaws - just one who loves us enough to be willing to do it when necessary.

I would like to introduce you to a true friend:

This book is one of my best friends. It is there to:

-comfort me when I am grieving,

-counsel me when I am struggling,

-give me peace when I am in turmoil,

and

-call me out when I need it.

It is not a book that indulges me in my shortcomings, and when I think I am doing just fine *kiss kiss*, the Lord's prophets tell me things like this:

"And others he will pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea Zion prospereth, all is well - and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell." (2 Nephi 28:21)

Apparently I DO have something in my teeth! And my fly is down.

Some of the greatest examples of true friends were Book of Mormon prophets who were called to deliver hard messages to people that did not want to hear them. Samuel the Lamanite delivered his message as the arrows rained down around him. Do you think Nephi ever had a better friend?

Abinadi was burned at the stake for preaching to people who had no interest in what he had to say - except one. Alma. Can you imagine the great reunion between Alma and Abinadi in the next life?

The Book of Mormon is a true friend. It teaches us of our Saviors love, it teaches us how to follow him. It also calls us out and helps us as we try to become more like Him.

Isn't that what a true friend does?

Reverence: That's the Rub

Reverence is important to me.  A reverent Sacrament meeting can do wonders for my sabbath observance, and personal spirituality. So it came as no surprise when one of my Facebook friends asked me if I was going to write about a specific distraction that goes on in church meetings around the world.

Back scratching. I have never mentioned it on my blog.  Why? Because I'm guilty. Wracked with guilt.

OK, I'm not really "wracked with guilt. The guilt is more of a passing afterthought that I have learned to ignore. Completely. Occasionally, my lovely EC will gently scratch my back as I am fighting to stay awake  pondering what is being taught in church meetings. It is gentle, it is loving, and it is though a suit coat, so it loses 80% of the intended impact. I don't think it is tooo distracting. (?)  Being a good husband, I will reciprocate, and I imagine it feels way better for her - again because of the suit coat. For over five years I sat on the stand and never had my back scratched. Nor did I ever muster the courage to ask one of my counselors. (Hand massages were definitely out.)

Unfortunately, if any of you have children, then you know that once the camel's nose is in the tent, he will take a mile. (Or is that give 'em an inch and they'll take a camel..?)

Sometimes I look over at my sons and see that they have moved far beyond a discreet scratch to full blown backrubs. Multiple boys. Scratching. It sounds like a corduroy convention. ('Google' corduroy if necessary.)

Now is the time for my hypocrisy to shine forth:  I give the boys a look, and shake them off. They know the shake off. They grew up with it. It has been perfected since my early days as a baseball catcher. It is almost imperceptible to the casual observer, but carries untold power toward those who know and understand. They stop scratching. But so does my wife. Drat!

Having to "practice what I preach" is rather annoying. However, so is sitting behind a family that is engaged in continual back scratching. This is my quandary: Do we stop? Or just pretend it has no impact on the people around us?

Luckily, my 4th grader has become addept at rubbing hands. He offers to rub my hand, in return for equal attention. It is nice, and not as visible as the back scratch. My EC is really good at this, too.

Obviously we are well past the washing of feet stage in the church, but am I the only one that is on the fence with back scratching? I know from some emails that there are those who are really distracted by it. (Elder Oaks refers to the "Principle of Non-Distraction" in sacrament meetings. Does it apply here?)

So, what is your take?  Is it OK to scratch away? Is it irreverent?  

I created a survey up in the upper-right hand corner to see what you have to say about it.  I am curious, please vote.

I need to wrap this up. The more I type the itchier I'm getting.

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A Painful Reminder from Mormon.org

I recently completed my Mormon.org profile, and I must say it is fabulous. Yet I find myself a little disappointed that it got overshadowed by this Brandon Flowers guy. Sure, he's talented and famous and all, but I spent a good 30 minutes writing my profile, and figured it would at least be in the main rotation. One would think that NOT belonging to an organization called "The Killers" would be a GOOD thing. Guess not.

It also appears that the Church continues to ignore my request for a fake membership number so I could do an MMM profile - I imagine that would have generated some  serious homepage traffic. But, I'm not bitter. I proudly embrace my humility.

Here is a screenshot of Brandon's profile:

The process of creating my profile made me feel pretty good about myself. Mostly because I didn't have to ask the clerk for my membership number - there are some of us who make it a point to always have a recommend - so all I needed to do was to find it. I filled out the form, waited a month, and 'presto' I now have a profile.

After I was finished, I was asked if I would be willing to write my response to a few questions about the Church. I thought I should do my part. The two questions I got were:

1) Please explain the song "If You Could Hie to Kolob" without laughing.

2) Please explain the difference between a "gym' and a "Cultural Hall'.

There is one small detail when I was creating my account that made my experience with Mormon.org less than stellar:

The search function.

First of all, nobody is ever, ever going to search for my profile. Male, caucasian, middle-aged?  If you want to hear from one of us, all you have to do is show up at church on Sunday.

My problem is this:

More specifically, this:

Still can't see it? I'll point it out:

Yes. The Church has lumped me into the 2nd category away from death. When I leave this age bracket, the next one has no end, merely a "+" sign. That bracket is the end. The big finish. The Spirit World. It is "Hie to Kolob" time.

Would it have been that difficult to put a '50-59', '60-69', '70-79', and then an '80+death' bracket? That way I would be right in the middle. Right in the prime of my life. But no... now every time I visit myself on Mormon.org, my mortality is thrown in my face. I'm not ready to go... I still have so much to do...

Maybe it's not to late to start a band. Anyone?



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The Long-Toe'd Saints Revisited

Tuesday, 2:15am

I'm not going to bed tonight. I am sitting on a rock-hard loveseat in a hospital room, listening to the clicks and whirrs of the pumps and meters. A few feet away, one of the saintliest men I have ever known is trying his best to sleep amidst the lights, noises, discomforts, and constant interruptions. I am here until sun-up to give his sweet wife a chance to get some sleep.

Every once in a while I warm up a wash cloth and wipe his face, or spoon feed him a few ice chips. When he feels like chatting, we chat. Mostly I'm watching him sleep. Thankfully, the doctors expect he will make a complete recovery and be home soon.

There is nowhere else I would rather be.

Yes, I am painfully aware that just yesterday I was irritated at this very man. This man that I love. Why? Because his family had kept everyone at arms length, and been slow to let us know how he was doing. We couldn't help.

I don't believe much in coincidence. I also know that once in a while the Lord has to really give me a good wallop upside the head. He is rarely subtle with me. Usually He waits a little while. But in this case, I was given this specific opportunity to serve - and to learn - a mere 12 hours after I wrote my last post. (You might want to go back and read it before you go on link)

So, as I sit here in a really good state of mind and heart, I have been reading all of your recent comments regarding service and privacy. Some sad, some sweet, some tragic, and some disquieting. There are some of you out there that - like me - are a little to quick to judge. There are some that are filled with gratitude. There are some that are very, very wise. I hope you don't mind, but I would like to add a few more thoughts.

It seems that some of us need to consider a little bit of repentance. What? You are turning this into a preach about repentance? Yes I am. But calm down - I said "us" not "you".  This discussion just begs to be looked at through the prism of repentance.  How so? I thought you would never ask...

1) Giver's Pride:  One of the main issues that I was venting about Sunday was that I was being denied my opportunity to exercise my faith, my prayers, my fasting, my service on my friends' behalf, and losing out on my blessings.  (See the recurring word? I bolded it, just so you wouldn't miss it.) I learned a long time ago that anytime you can have the word "I" or "my" that many times in one sentence, then something is amiss. Is it even supposed to be about me?

2) Receiver's Pride: Some people are truly "private" people. But should we ever be so private that we can't let our leaders, or HTs or VTs know what our challenges are? These are people who have an actual stewardship over us. They do need to know - they also have the privilege of receiving revelation regarding how to best serve us. Why not let the Lord help us?  As President Uchtdorf taught, "The answer might come from the voice and wisdom of trusted friends and family..."  (Waiting on the Road to Damascus)

I still stand by the idea that we are supposed to be "willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..." - and that requires a willingness on the receiving end as well.

3) Resentment:  Yes, I have had times where I felt neglected or ignored in times of trial. Or by people 'minimizing' our needs. And yes, I have had to work through them. But, one thing that I know for sure is that an unforgiving heart will stop our spiritual progress dead in its tracks. (Don't believe me? Ask Tarzan)  Of all the comments, those that made me saddest were the ones that showed resentment and pain from past experiences where the saints did not respond so saintly. It is time to let it go.

This also makes me fret about how many people feel that I let them down when I didn't check in on them, or give them a call when they were in need.  (Actually, I think I would rather not know.)

4) Rubberneckers:  It is absolutely true that there are nosy people who deal more from curiosity than charity. We need to forgive them too!  Seems like judging other's motives might be a slippery place to stand - probably a good time to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

5) Pushy People: Yes, we have received meals that were never consumed and went straight into the trash. Yes, we have visited with concerned people when we really didn't want to talk to anyone. Just because some people lack some social grace, or sensitivity, does not mean their hearts aren't in the right place. So we need to forgive them as well.

My EC and I have been greatly blessed by those stubborn people who 'wouldn't take no for an answer', and by others that we would least expect to show up to help. We have formed new and lasting friendships with people who have served us, even though they didn't really know us at the time.


(This started getting longer than I anticipated...oops!)

I know that tonight my heart is soft, and squishy because I have been given the opportunity to serve and to learn. Hopefully, next time I need someone to help me, I will have the desire to let someone else share those feelings with me. There are so many wonderful people who are willing to serve wherever, whenever needed. It is a noble, Christ-like thing. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me about these things - it has been enlightening and sobering for me. (And sorry if you read this whole thing waiting for a punchline.)

I love this life, I love this gospel, and I love hearing my friend snore.

Missing the Point: The Long-Toe'd Saints

I left church today a little frustrated.  Anyone who has been a bishop before understands that one of the "perks" of serving in that calling is that you tend to know what is going on with most of your ward members - for good - or ill. And after a few years, you get used to knowing. Then, after you get released, you are in an informational vacuum, which can be a great relief, but also a  little disconcerting. Today it was disconcerting.

In HP group meeting, we were informed that one of the brethren's parents had passed away, and the funeral had already been held, another brother had been in the hospital for a week, and would soon be coming home, and another had an ill wife.  In each case the information was either released belatedly, very vague, or accompanied with the caveat that they didn't want any visitors or need any help.

As we were trying to figure out what we could do as a quorum, a distinct phrase came up: "we don't want to step on anyone's toes." Repeatedly.

Do you want to know what I think? Not really? I'm gonna tell you anyway: There are too many members of the church who need shorter toes. Apparently their toes are so long, and so sensitive,  that the rest of the ward members have to be very careful to avoid stepping on them.

Yes we are all entitled to our privacy.
No, we don't need to know every personal detail that is going on in each other's lives.
No, we don't need to be nosy or gossipy.

But... indulge me while I tell you a story.

When I was a missionary, my mom was the one that wrote to me. Faithfully. Then, with no explanation, I went three weeks without a letter from home. I figured it was just the mail service, until I got a letter that I immediately recognized as my father's handwriting. This was probably the second time he had ever written to me. It made me nervous.

He began the letter with basic chit-chat, then casually mentioned that 'mom was doing much better', and that 'she is home now' and that 'we almost lost her'.  By this point I was losing it. He then went on to detail the medical condition that almost took her life.  He concluded by telling me that he wanted to wait until things were "resolved" so as to not distract me from my service. In his pure, honest view, he was sparing me the worry.

I was furious. In my next letter home I simply said "it would have been nice to be able to pray and fast, and exercise faith in my own mother's behalf - but I couldn't because nobody told me what was going on!"

What's my point?

I'll let Alma make it for me:

When he was baptizing at the waters of Mormon, he explained that part of the obligation put upon those who covenant to be baptized is that we "are willing to bear one another's burdens. that they may be made light. Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort..."  (Mosiah 18:8-9)

So please explain to me how are we supposed to do that if everybody is so busy keeping things quiet?  It seems to me that it is a two way street - to be able to fulfill this covenant we need to be willing to bear one another's burdens, and also let other's help bear our burdens. How am I supposed to help comfort the afflicted if I don't hear about it until after the affliction is resolved?

How can I pray for you? Fast for you? Exercise faith for you? Serve you?

It seems that there are two conflicting messages that are part of our teachings: 1) Be self-sufficient, 2) Bear one another's burdens. The problem is, people are often so good at #1, they don't open the door to let #2 happen in their lives.  Also, we are often great at helping other people in need, but refuse to let people aid us - and then people have to tip-toe around worrying about stepping on our toes. That's only living half the gospel.

If you dig down deep enough, I think it all comes down to pride. Pride stands in the way of our letting our brothers and sisters see us at our worst - effectively denying them - and us - the opportunity to practice the gospel the way the Savior, and Alma taught. Those who would serve us are not blessed, and we reject the blessings of their service.

It takes two to tango... so watch your toes...

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My Air Mattress & My Middle Finger

Hey gang! Yes, I "went dark" for a few days.  I just returned from a quick camping trip with the family - one last chance to freeze our cookies off, and enjoy the fall colors before winter sets in.  Having rid myself of all of the ash, dust and filth that I accumulated in a remarkably short period of time, I now sit and write a brief post. (It just occurred to me that I still smell smoke - but I think it is coming from inside my nasal cavities)

I have one of these:

It is an "Eddie Bauer" air bed that you can get at any Target. Not to be confused with the "Jack Bauer" model which has been discontinued, because every year they made them, they got worse and worse. I have had mine for years, and it has weathered many a Father's & Sons outings, Scout camps, YM Encampments, High Adventures, Youth Conferences, etc. But, as things do, it is nearing the end of its time here on earth. It has developed a slow leak.

Not a large leak, mind you- a slow leak. Not big enough to justify buying a new one, but large enough to find my hip grinding into the ground in the middle of the night.  When that happens, I re-inflate it with this little contraption:

It carries 4D batteries on board. All you have to do to inflate it is take off this little cap, and then twist this round knob, and voila - it inflates. And then I go back to sleep.  (Granted, it does sound like a siren is going off whenever I turn the knob, so I lay there for a while trying to convince myself that it is OK for me to be comfortable. It is OK, isn't it?)

Last night, it had gradually deflated, and at 3:35am I woke up feeling like I was recovering from hip-replacement surgery. I reached down to the controls to ease my suffering. I removed the cap, and turned the knob. It was kind of stuck, so I gave it a good hard turn...and pop! I dislocated my middle finger. Yes, "Tall Man" was now bending at an unnatural angle. It hurt like the dickens. I suppressed a shout, because it would have contained a vulgarity, and I don't participate in such coarse language. I also suppressed the urge to cry like a little girl, because that would have necessitated a search for Kleenex, and it was far too cold for that.

However, having seen "Lethal Weapon" back in my wild '80s days*, I remembered that Mel Gibson would occasionally have to put his shoulder back in the socket by forcefully slamming it against a wall. So I knew I had to take matters into my own hands hand. (*this is not a recommendation of the Mel Gibson film, or his method of treating dislocated joints.) You see, I've always felt, I can relate to Mel Gibson, except for the alcohol issues, racist rants, millions of dollars, and receding hairline.

So I grabbed my finger, took a deep breath, and gave it a tug. It popped it back into place. Mel would have been proud. Yes, it hurt. A lot. But, I was proud of myself that  did not wake my lovely EC who was sleeping next to me, in a cot, with earplugs. (My fault - mountains make me snore) Besides, it was a quiet night, with other campers nearby. I'm nothing if not courteous.

The end result is my air mattress is getting the old heave-ho, and I'm not going for the easy joke about giving it the middle-finger. However, I do apologize in advance for any typos you might find in my post. It turns out that my middle-finger actually does more that his fair share of important letters, such as "I", "K", and commas. Luckily, I am expert at typing incorrectly, so it will all work out eventually.

Extending an Elbow of Fellowship

Flu season is already upon us. It looks to be a normal flu season - not the dead-Gwyneth type of flu season. Our family didn't get flu shots last year, and we all got the flu. Not this year. My wife already has plans for us to march down to Walgreens next Monday evening to get flu shots as the "treat" portion of FHE.

I was browsing the news today and saw that experts are now recommending that in order to decrease infectious contamination, we must all stop shaking hands. I repeat: Stop shaking hands!  My reaction looks something like this:

Errr.  Uhmmm.  Errr.  I find myself completely unprepared to comprehend this instruction. It is as if someone is challenging my very being - calling into question who I am at my very core. It is even worse than when some knucklehead says I'm not a Christian.

Stop shaking hands? What will become of us as a church? As a culture? That's what we do!  We shake hands! If you can't shake hands, what are you supposed to do with the people you have nothing to say to? If you can't shake hands, how can you pass intantaneous judgement on a person by the strength of their grip? Without shaking hands, how can you force eye contact with a teenager? You can't!

I cannot - nay - I WILL NOT succumb to the pressure of these "so-called" experts. They obviously do not understand Mormonism, nor the impact it would make on our society and sociality.

What are we supposed to do? Here's some of their recommendations:

Fist-bumps. Yeah, think that through - Sacrament meeting is about to start, and at the last minute, the Stake President enters through the side door  and walks up to the stand. The bishopric respectfully stands and warmly greets the Stake President with a reverent fist-bump. All except the 2nd Counselor who forgets and does the "explosion with wiggly fingers" after the fact.

Air-kisses. We could try the "air kiss" like they do in most of the world, and in Hollywood- even though I spent two years of my life teaching girls and women to stop trying to air-kiss me. (Ask any RM who served internationally, and he will tell you about his personal stiff-arm technique) Personally, I kinda like the air-kiss, as long as I get to be the one deciding when it is used. My EC apparently likes it - especially if she is in Venice, and the guy is a handsome, charming Italian, named Matteo. (Let it go, let it go)

Elbow touching. Yeah, this one is stupid. Touching elbows is so personal, donchya think?  I have been to some countries where they will offer their elbow to shake if their hands are dirty or full. It feels like you are greeting an amputee - everytime.

Besides, one of the major accomplishments of the educational system (other than banishing the term "Indian style") has been teaching our young ones to cough and sneeze into their...elbows.  Yep. You sneeze into your elbow, then we touch elbows, then I sneeze into mine - suddenly we have a ginglymus petri-dish. (Yes, you might need to look that up.)

Obviously, none of these would work in the halls between block meetings. So I offer a few of my own:

1) Latex gloves.  Especially for the Priests. And Nursery workers.

2) Mandatory de-contamination rooms for all Primary workers.

3) 1st greeting: Handshake, all subsequent greetings to the same person: Thumbs up.  I know there have been times where I have shaken the same person's hand 20 times on any given sabbath. (This is actually very common for any member of the Ward Council)

4) Just keep shaking hands, and hope that, like me, the strength of your spiritual connection irradiates any viruses or bacterium.

Or there's always FHE at Walgreens.


Links about non-shaking of hands:
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20118153-10391704.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2047048/Its-deal-lets-touch-elbows-Health-expert-urges-ban-shaking-hands-prevent-spread-flu.html

Re-work of "The Word"

Hey gang!  I got a lot of positive response on Sunday from my post about defining Christianity, so I thought I would re-work it into a graphic.

It turns out that there is all sorts of new-fangled, fancy-dancy, hoity-toity technology type thing-a-ma-jiggers that let people circulate things like this on Pinterest and Facebook, etc. (I know because my stuff keeps showing up there.)

Feel free!  Pin & post away!

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200 Posts

It seems like it was just April 20th that I hit 100 posts, and here I am at 200. I thought I would continue my pattern and share a few thoughts and updates:

1) No matter how you slice it, the posts involving President Uchtdorf are the most popular:  Whether it is about him (like this), or about something he said (like this), he dominates the top two spots on my blog. Which is fine with me.  I would just as well start "presidentuchtdort.blogspot.com", but I'm afraid I might get a letter. From my Stake President, asking me to come in...

2) Many of you started reading after I participated in the "Celebration of the Family Proclamation". My thanks to Montserrat from "Chocolate on My Cranium" for the invite.  Watch for my guest post later this month on "We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ".

3) Also, September marked the month that my EC and FOML1 actually posted comments on my blog. And to my surprise, they weren't angry, embarrassed of vengeful.

4) I would also like to thank my cyberfamily of earliest supporters: Melissa, Mindi, Cheeseboy & Michael.  (Yes, I'm thanking Cheeseboy, even though he is all caught up in that "twittering" and his addiction is destroying his soul. I mean blog.)

5) Ardis Parshall runs a Mormon history blog called "Keepapitchin".  You should read it. Not only is she way smarter than the rest of us, she has a huge heart. She has helped me navigate this strange blogging world with tremendous grace. Thanks Ardis!

6) While it may appear that I just slap these posts together before I take my morning shower, you need to know that there is a lot of research that goes into each one. All of this studying about the LDS faith has made me a lot more curious about becoming a member of the Church.

7) My original observation still holds true: The vast majority of my readers are exceptionally intelligent and attractive, which comes as quite a surprise considering I have quite a following in West Virginia.

8) I have only had to send 2 emails of apology so far to people who have taken offense at my thoughts.  I might have to adjust that after this post.

Thanks for reading, thanks for most of the comments. Thanks for keeping this a safe place to talk about important things, and joke about the not-so-important ones.

Oh! One more...

9) The Church is true. Absolutely.

Behave!

-MMM-


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Sunday Naptime Profundity #9: The 'Word"

I may not be a "Christian" by your definition.

But I know I am by His.

-MMM-

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Favorite Non-Doctrinal Tidbits From Conference Weekend

Well, I am wrapping up the post-Conference week with a few last thoughts - things that I enjoyed that had nothing to do with what was taught, but with what I got to experience. (14 items, instead of 10, because I'm an over-achiever)

1) Watching, through my tears, as the tears streamed down my EC's face, as we stood in the Conference Center and sang "Praise to the Man". Loudly.

2) The nine-year-old FOML proudly declaring himself to be "The Ticketmaster" after he was able to secure 4 tickets from passers-by, just because he was so cute.

3) Watching that same FOML take detailed notes on every talk. (More on this next April)

4) The Pepto-Bismol-colored choir dresses. I absolutely loved them. I want my EC to have one - no - several. And I want a matching suit. And platform shoes. And an afro.

5) The children's choir on Saturday afternoon, because I got to do that when I was a wee lad of 9 and 11.

6) Reading blog posts and comments about your thoughts on Conference.

7) Getting to spend time with our BYU daughter.

8) BYU-USU. "Go Aggies!" Hehehe.

9) Getting the last parking spot in a parking garage just South of the Conference Center.

10) Elder Ardern's cool Kiwi accent.

11) Attending Priesthood with my sons - which will soon become more and more of a rarity.

12) Catching a beautiful view of Autumn before it got snowed on.

13) President Monson waving at me and giving me a "thumbs up". (At least I think it was at me - I was on the balcony so it's hard to tell)

14) President Uchtdorf smiling for the camera when he name was read for the sustaining vote.  This man is the coolest. (Don't believe me? Read this)

What non-doctrinal things did you enjoy?  I'm guessing cinnamon rolls will top the list...

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Opposition? Bring it!

As you might know, I have the magical ability to remove comments from the blog for whatever reason I see fit. I think I have deleted about four since I started blogging (either for being hostile, doctrinally wrong, or just being a Negative Nelly.)

I got a comment yesterday that I decided to post instead, because it exemplifies what Elder Holland was talking about in Conference when he spoke of the adversary.

(My thoughts will follow)

-----

•sigh• 

     Hey! Satan here. You know, the Prince of Darkness? Anyway, this MMM guy is really starting to tick me off.

     Of course, I would have preferred that nobody watch any portion of conference. For those that have nothing better to do with their weekend than watch it, I love whispering (yes, the Holy Ghost does not have a monopoly on whispering), "It's too much. It's overwhelming. Where would you even start? You're going to fail so don't even bother." 

           Wisdom. Order. Sequence. He's making it more digestable. *gnashing teeth*  

 I still hate Packer and Monson the most, but MMM is on my list.

- Beelzebub

  XOXOX

My thoughts:

1) How can he type without fingers? Or does he have some weasely minion do it for him? Dragon Dictation software?

2) This is the only time that Packer, Monson & MMM will ever be listed in the same sentence. Or page. Or Kingdom.

3) Frankly, I am creeped out and really flattered at the same time.

4) Makes me feel good in an Abinadi kind of way - and we know what happened to him.

5) Confession: I added the hugs and kisses to ease the tension.




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Q4 Comeback Update - Conference

(Warning: This is a long post. Nobody's forcing you to read it.)

(And it is about ME, ME, ME and MY problems, issues, goals)

(Since we are all wrestling with different things - this is merely an attempt to show how Conference figures into MY attempt at self-betterment in my 4th Quarter Comeback)

Hey gang!  Here we are, October 5. Five days into the 4th quarter. I know some of you are making a push to get some unresolved goals knocked out before the end of the year. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, please refer the "The 4th Quarter Comeback".

Last Friday night I went to the BYU-USU game at the Lord's University Football Stadium. And just as it should have happened, BYU pulled off an amazing 4th quarter comeback to win the game. It was exciting, and made me more excited to take on the "comeback" myself.

Saturday, with notebook in hand, I listened to Conference with my ears and mind open for any counsel that might help me finish out the year strong. I was looking to reevaluate my goals, as well as define strategies to git 'er done.

I was not disappointed on either count. But before I share those thoughts with you...

-----(MMM steps aside for a self-absorbed soliloquy)-----

"Oh wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and sins which do so easily beset me."

----Oops!  That wasn't my soliloquy - it was Nephi's! (2 Nephi 4:17-18)----

Mine is more like this:

I just turned 50. The big 5-0. The majority of my life is over. (Unless I live to be 100 - and I have no desire to live to be 100) So that means I am running out of time to accomplish what the Lord wants me to do, and accomplish what I want and need to do. There is a real sense of urgency to me.


But I'm also tired. And pudgy. And creaky. And a little mentally fuzzy at times. I don't feel like I am as sharp as I used to be, and from where I stand, the downhill slope looks pretty steep.


I don't spend as much time with the FOMLs as I should. I struggle to keep up at work. I've gotten sloppy with my temple attendance and family scripture study.


I watch too much TV. I play on my computer too much. I don't get enough exercise. You know - all of those things that I was going to resolve with my New Year's Resolutions nine months ago. 


Did I mention that I'm tired?

----(End of soliloquy - pity party is over)----

Sitting with my sons in the Conference Center, President Eyring was speaking to us about serving in the priesthood when he said these words:

"Our bodies age as we do. Our capacity to learn and remember what we have read will diminish. To give priesthood service the Lord expects of us will take more and more self-discipline every day of our lives."

More and more self-discipline? Excuse me? I don't even have enough as it is!

At that moment different thoughts ran through my mind, including things I had heard as recently as that morning in Conference.

Prayer.  I need to improve my prayers. I need to make prayer a vital element in the success of my "comeback". I need to involve my Heavenly Father. I need to beg for his help. I need to be stronger spiritually in order to tackle all of my challenges.  I need the Lord to help me gain self-mastery. This is where it must begin.

Self-Mastery.  I need to make better use of my time - hello Elder Ardern. "As we follow the command to cease to be idle we must be sure that being busy also equates to being productive." And then, "Today would be a good day, while the clock of mortality ticks, to review what we are doing to prepare to meet God."

Another thought came into my mind - a single word that Elder Bednar used as an introduction to his talk.

Sequence.  "As we study, learn and live the Gospel of Jesus Christ, sequence is often instructive."

Then the scriptures started flooding my mind:

...not requisite that a man run faster than he has strength (Mosiah 4:27)
Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength...(D&C 10:4)
By small and simple things are great things come to pass. (Alma 37:6)
Line upon line, precept upon precept. (Saturday's Warrior) (D&C 98:12)

Sequence...hmmm.

Could that be one of the reasons I fail at things like resolutions? Bad sequencing?  I make goals and try to do them all at once - and I'm not prepared, and I fail. Maybe I need to step back and take a look at the sequencing of my goals, and my preparation.

So that is what I did. Later that night, I wrote down a list of things that I want to get done, and the things I need to get done. This was not a "sky-diving-type bucket list". This was more important things - like being ready to serve a mission with my EC at the same time the FOML5 steps on the plane for his.

As I studied my list, I began to look for sequences that could help me get thing done in an order that is more believable. Attainable. Realistic.

And then the conversation with myself began to explore how to make this happen:
(Remember this is MY conversation with ME. Yours will be very different - focus on the process - not my specifics, and comment accordingly.)

How can you make sure you get on a mission in 10 years?
I need to make more money.
What else?
I need to get out of debt, de-clutter my life.
Why aren't you doing those things now?
I'm sorry - what did you say?
Why aren't you doing those things now?
I'm not focused.

Why aren't you focused?

I feel mentally fuzzy, and I'm tired.

How could you fix that?

Exercise.

Why don't you exercise more?
Lack of time.
Bull. You have time to play on Facebook and watch TV.
OK! Busted. I guess it's just because I'm tired.
Oh - so we are back to tired. Why are you so tired?
Because I usually only get 5 hours of sleep.
That's stupid. Why?
I get up at 5:30am.
Why? 
To make lunches, read my scriptures, etc. I can't change that.
What about the other end?  When do you go to bed?
Midnight, 12:30am.
Man, that's not much sleep. Why so late?
Kids, TV, internet, etc. I'm a "Night Owl".
So go to bed earlier.


Great! Goal to set - Go to bed earlier! All done?  Nope!

Can't. Can't go to sleep early.
Why not?
Not used to it.
I'll bet that 44oz Mountain Dew at 8:00pm doesn't help much.
True.
I'll bet the ice cream doesn't help you sleep well either.
Also true.
So, drop the soda.
I'm. not. that. strong.
Well, not yet anyway.  How about cutting yourself off at 6:00pm?
I can do that.
And go easy on the late night Ice Cream?
I can do that too.
Can you turn off the TV and computer at 10:30pm.
Maybe... Yes I can.
Great. Go to bed at 11:00pm, and you will get 6.5 hours of sleep instead of 5.
That doesn't sound like much.
What? It's a 30% increase!
OK, but then what?
Then maybe you will feel more like exercising.
True.
And then maybe some of that mental fog will lift and you will be more productive.
Yeah! And then I can lose weight, make a fortune and save the world!
Easy tiger - not so fast! 
Well - those things might help me lose weight...
Stop.
..and make me more coherent for family scripture study.
Stop! You are still getting too far down the road.
What do you mean?
Just start with 3 things.
Which 3?
1) Soda & Ice cream cutoff 2) TV & internet cutoff, and 3) 11:00pm bedtime.
That's it? That is my big "4th Quarter Comeback"?
Yes. That is it. For this week.  And pray about it.


You see, I have 13 weeks. If I can get myself better rested the first week, then add some more exercise the second week, then maybe I will have more energy and clarity to take on the other goals that I have set for myself.

Wait!  Isn't there a promise that says that? Oh yeah!

"Retire to thy bed early, that ye be not weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated." (D&C 88:124)

So that is what I'm going to do - that and improve my prayers and beg for help. Dramatic? No. Possible? Yes.

Phase I of the comeback is underway.

And that is one way that Conference helped me this weekend.

My best to you in your own comeback.
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General Conference: I Feel Loved

You know how sometimes when someone is giving a talk, they start with the chatty small talk, or a joke, or an explanation of when or how they were asked to speak - and then, before you know it, they are ten minutes into their talk before they have actually started saying anything? That is what will be hapening for the first few paragraphs. If you want to skip down to find some "meat" feel free, scroll down to "Enough housekeeping".

I awoke to this email:

No pressure, but I think you owe it to your readers to have something posted very soon about conference. I know you have to strike a balance on time and you don't want to just churn out nonsense... Yes, I'm standing here with my arms folded across my chest, tapping my toe and scowling. :)

Hmmm. Apparently the white shirt pictures aren't going to buy me more time.  Why the delay?  As you know, I am not very opinionated, nor do I have much to say. Oh wait. That's our dog.  I have plenty to say, but I feel a bit trepidatious expressing my thoughts about Conference - in much the same way I feel as when the Spirit is coaxing me to stand up and bear my testimony. I'll get there - sometimes it takes a while.

Also:  If you are looking for a post to tie Conference to the "4th Quarter Comeback", this is not that post. It will be tomorrow. Promise. (Or Thursday...)

Enough housekeeping...

Over the weekend, my EC and 4/5 FOMLs were able to attend the Saturday sessions of Conference at the Conference Center. Sunday, we hunkered down and watched on TV. Both were great in their own way. Between sessions on Sunday, we took a drive up Guardsman Pass - a road in the mountains behind SLC. It is autumn foliage time, and it was beautiful. As we looked out across the beautiful display of nature at its finest, I thought to myself "Reason #496 that I know that God loves me". (Reason #497, BYU-USU game)

I feel my Savior's love, in everything around me...  


And that is how I came away from this weekend: Secure in my ever-greater understanding that God loves me. As I reflect black on what I saw, heard, and felt, my eyes well up and I have to stop typing. I don't even think I noticed at the time, as I was busy listening and taking excellent notes. 

I feel loved.

----

President Boyd K. Packer?  If Samuel the Lamanite were alive today, he would want to be like President Packer. For 50 years he has told the world, and the saints, what we needed to hear - come what may.  The devil surely hates this man, and that hatred is reflected in society. Knowing this causes my heart to be filled with love for this aging servant of the Lord, who chose to give my children a precious gift of truth: That they are being raised in enemy territory, yet the Holy Ghost will protect them. Most of us were surprised to hear him tell the youth that the end is not soon in coming - that there will be time for marriage, kids and grandchildren. The headline writers across the globe took note as well.

That was Sunday morning. What followed were many wonderful talks about what to do with that remaining time.

Read the scriptures.  Particular emphasis on the Book of Mormon. (Scott, Eyring, Callister, Bennett +)

Endure to the end. (Eyring, Hales) Is this a bigger problem than I was aware of? Perhaps those teachings, along with President Packer's remarks tell us not to hunker down and try to "ride it out" until the 2nd Coming. Baby Boomers - are you listening? The Lord needs more senior missionaries. (Holland)

Learn the Doctrine.  (Scott, Curtis, Callister, Hales, Eyring, Nelson, Oaks)

Share the Gospel. (Yamashito, Ballard, Waddell, Perry)

Get busy serving. We don't have to wait for the Church to tell us what to do. (McMullin, Alonso, Uchtdorf, Eyring, Bednar)

Teach with the Spirit. (Richardson) Where did Matthew Richardson come from.  What an excellent talk!

Manage our precious time wisely. (Ardern) Yep. This is the one that was given just for me. I am so glad Elder Ardern didn't call me out by name - it would have been embarrassing.

Use the internet as a force for good. (Perry, Bednar)  You know what this means?  It means I keep blogging. Woo-hoo!

Realize that we are at war, and the Adversary is real.  (Holland, Packer) Yeah, I flinched a second since I wrote this post a couple weeks back. "We Are at War".

Finally, I want you to know how much I enjoyed President Monson. He is getting along in years, and arrived a bit late to the first session on Saturday.  So, when he stood up at he close of the Priesthood Session with 30 minutes left, I thought to myself - looks like we're getting out early. - like the Relief Society sisters do.

We didn't leave early. Instead, President Monson gave a MASTERFUL talk about courageously following the Savior. If you haven't watched it, please do.  He then followed up with an equally wonderful talk on Sunday morning. My love and appreciation for him grew this weekend.

---

There will be plenty of time to dig in deeper, and I will, but please know that I feel very loved by my Heavenly Father. This Conference reaffirmed in my heart that the Savior is in charge. He is running this Church, and He wants us to be successful in this life. He provides us with profound and timely teachings to help us succeed.

He employs wonderful men and women to carry that message to us - if we will listen.

He sends His Spirit to confirm their teachings - if we will listen.

He loves us - whether we listen or not.

---

Please share your thoughts with me.  Also, thanks to all those who gave feedback regarding how note-taking has impacted your Conference experience.  It makes me feel all warm inside.

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